we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
