Well douche your snatch and let's go!
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
