That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
