I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
