Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
