he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
40s are totally the cure
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
