after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
