I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
