I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
