hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
4 words: hood of his car
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
