last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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