i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
