guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
