why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
