she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
