dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
