Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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