I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
