i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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