Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
