I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
