And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
