TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
