i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
