he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
