The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
