K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
