I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can i not drive my cunt home
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
