i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
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Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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