I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
