Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I need a burrito and a hug.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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