My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
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the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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