I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
