remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The air was thick with penises
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
