I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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