For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
