I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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