Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh god it's open bar.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
