I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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