Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
