I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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