my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
they call him Oral-B. enough said
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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