I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
