your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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