I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
