We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
