I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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