I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...