Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.