Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
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going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you