No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
