I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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