He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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