Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
