yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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